Not Doing Background Work!

So I didn't get the part that I auditioned for this past Monday. I'm over my initial disappointment - it comes with the territory. The audition was for a role on Accidentally on Purpose starring Jenna Elfman. At least the casting director said that my work was good. So I suppose I just have to keep up the good work and find the right venue. On the plus side of this whole situation, I have an agent and manager who are actually submitting me! When I think about what I wanted last year, I remember wanting an agent who would submit me and give a damn about my career. I have that now! So hopefully this next year will mean that I'll finally land something. Baby steps!

I know I've been absent from this blog for the entire month of November. Truth be told, I was completely cranky and grumpy last month, which made me not want to write anything. Reason for the bad mood that was that there wasn't much business at Bubba Gump and I had been doing a lot of background work to make ends meet. And even then, I barely made it! I have decided to avoid doing background work for as much as I can this month. Result: I'm SOOOOO much happier! I honestly hate doing background work. It's really unpleasant for me and I think it takes a toll on my morale. I'd rather do nothing all day than do background work. So for now, I'm back!

Another reason why I've been on the quiet side is that I've been feeling somewhat panicked about life - that life has been moving WAY too fast. A lot of people my age are getting married and/or having children. I am very happy for my friends, but at the same time I realize that I am not ready for the stages of life that they're all entering. As a result of that, I feel a little left out because I don't understand married life, I'm honestly not interested in talking excessively about babies and baby toys, and I don't identify with the type of bliss that my friends are experiencing. I know that for the most part, I want those same things, but not right now. I also have been reluctant to express my anxiety about feeling left behind because I don't want my friends to think that I'm not feeling joyful for them. I am, but at the same time I'm feeling very disconnected from it. I know I will eventually get to those chapters within my own life, but in the meantime, it does put me in a little bit of a funk.

Last of all, I think it's time to publicly acknowledge that my mother has pretty much cut me off. This has been going on since Mother's Day. I believe she has completely convinced herself that I am a failure as a human being and therefore, she is a failure as a mother. I personally, don't believe any of that. Just because I chose not to be a lawyer, an accountant, or a doctor doesn't mean I'm a failure, and I don't believe that she's a failure as a mother. I'm a functioning human being within modern society. These are her issues and because of her own demons, she can't deal with me. For the most part I'm fine with this decision because quite frankly, not having her in my life eliminates a lot of problems, anxiety, and tense moments. But I tend to notice her absence around the holidays. It's not so much that I miss her, but it's more so that I miss the warmth of my childhood home and the ability to go home. I also feel bad for my dad because I know that he would like both of us to be together for the holidays. *shrugs* I haven't closed the door to communication. She has. So from my perspective things may change, things may not. Either way, I'm okay. I can function and my life will continue moving forward in a positive direction, with or without her.

I've also noticed that I don't post very many pictures. So instead of ending this post with that somber note about my mother, I will leave a picture of my friend, Mahon:

Mental note: I need to start taking more pictures to post up here.

New Stereotype???

I've noticed that a lot of Asian people will take pictures of their food at restaurants before they eat it ... then post it on facebook ... Why are they doing this? Better question: why have I not been doing this??? I wanna fit in!!!

Anyone Got Any Ideas For Me?

What's the best way to choose a doctor??? I've already looked into doctors who accept my health insurance and which ones are accepting new patients. I'm currently looking for a dermatologist because I have two moles on my right arm that I'm starting to get concerned about. I have a history with suspicious moles since I was a kid. Most people who have seen me in a bathing suit or during occasions where I have had on little clothing (which is a reference to theater school ... that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!) know that I have two significant scars on my body. I have one on my back and one on my thigh. These scars are from a surgery I had at the age of 7 to remove two suspicious moles which both turned out to be benign. I've found three dermatologists who work in the same office and are located within the vicinity of Huntington Memorial Hospital located in Pasadena. So which one do I choose? How do I do this??? My mom chose my dermatologist the last time and he left me with really ugly scars. If my moles need to be removed, I'd prefer not to have such drastic scars. Yeah yeah ... it's my vanity vs. my common sense. Eesh!

Am I'm a Loser???

How come the majority of people that go to the gym on Saturday nights are Asian??? My presence isn't helping those statistics either. I know why I'm at the gym on a Saturday night: I'm single and am not quite ready to start dating yet. I'm not quite sure how I feel about becoming part of the gymnasium "Asian Invasion", as my mother so eloquently calls a homogenous room of Asians.

On a positive note, I've been cast in two films!!! One is a paying low budget SAG and the other is a student film. I don't know too many details yet, but I have officially been offered the roles. What's interesting about both films is that I had been called back for lead roles in both, and didn't book the role I had been called back for in either. For the low budget SAG, I was offered a smaller and featured role. I'm fine with that because the role that I was originally up for consists of full nudity. Not being naked in a film is most definitely fine with me! In the student film, I'm not exactly sure of the size of the role, but I'm happy to just have booked something. So more to come when I have more info. But woot! I'm gonna have more footage for a reel! Mental note: Stay on top of producer for footage from the film I did this past Dec.

This may be a small amount of good news, but I'll take it! (Especially considering the stagnant and crappy times we're currently going through.)

Being Uncomfortable

I'm physically and mentally uncomfortable. I think being back in Los Angeles has definitely been a positive decision because I'm close to my parents and Noel. So I have people to see and talk to regularly. But at the same time, I just don't feel like I've found any respite from life.

I have started myself on birth control again, being that I'm now in the dating world and I have no idea what situation I might find myself in. So I thought I'd take this precaution because I really have no interest in having a baby at the moment. But at the same time I think my body is reacting to it. I'm definitely a bit more bloated than usual, which is triggering off my eating disorder and sending me into a panic about weight gain. I currently am not signed up with a gym because I don't have the money. So without that, the psychological part of my anorexia is not evening out. I'd go for a run but I'm feeling so exhausted, which is just a symptom of menstruation, period (no pun intended). 

On top of that, I am bored out of my mind. I know that the economy is bad so it's not a huge surprise that I haven't landed a job yet. I'm actively sending out resumes and I started auditioning again last week. Essentially I just have a lot of free time on my hands, which means that my mind is running rampant. It is my worst enemy right now and I'm driving myself insane.

I kinda wish I had a dog right now. The animal would at least give me something to do. 

I don't know if it's just me, but I really don't like watching TV these days. Maybe it's me coming off of 3 years of not physically owning a TV, but I really don't have much patience to sit in front of it. I find I'd rather be on the internet looking for pointless dribble.

Sometimes I wish there was something like Adderall for the brain or something. I'm going nuts! Although I will say, I'd probably be in a worse frame of mind if I were in NYC by myself.

Post Election Day Thoughts

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have done it again! I have successfully managed to become nocturnal ... again. Can you hear the sarcasm oozing out of my mouth?!? I think this happens to me once a year. I almost got through 2008 unscathed!!! Dammit!!! I hate being nocturnal because then I pretty much have to instantaneously try to break myself of this cycle because stuff happens during the day and I have to be awake for it! Recombobulating myself is quite difficult. Well, I guess this is what happens when you have absolutely. nothing. to. do. I am bored outta my mind! I mean, I have come up with a few projects to keep myself busy, I make a point to go to the gym if I don't have any evening plans, I do what ever "acting" errands I have to do, I go out for gigs when my temp agent calls, but I'm still bored. You know that feeling? At least I don't have to wake up at 5am just so I can get to the Actors Equity Center by 6:30am, and then sit there all day to see if there's any possibility I can get an audition for a stupid Equity show. That was becoming one of the most discouraging and thankless activities in my listless existence in NYC. How ironic would it be if I managed to get my Equity card out in LA? It's possible! We'll see. 56 more days to go!!!! *sigh* Damn.

Politics:

• Obama won!!!! Holy crap! Now, let's put aside the issues of the nation for a second and let's just soak in the fact that we have a black man for President!!!!! That's exciting! Two thoughts occurred to me while watching his acceptance speech. One was, "Thank God I don't have to read this in a text book and get tested on it." I'd hate to be any generation following mine. I remember how much history I had to learn and memorize in high school and I don't think I can imagine a greater Hell than having to learn MORE. It's easier to remember history when you're living through it. Haha! My second thought was, "White Supremacists, look at ya now, suckas!". Which was then quickly followed by a desperate, "Please, God! Don't let this President get assassinated!" If there's one thing I don't want to live through, it's living through the assassination of a President. I don't know if I can deal with the after effects of 9/11, the 2nd Iraq War, the underlying fear of Al Quaida and Bin Laden, ALONG with the assassination of a President. But you can't be smug with White Supremacists without instantly being slightly paranoid.

• The McCain I liked resurfaced! It was something about his concession speech, besides the fact that it was an awesome speech. I actually liked McCain back in 2004 and would've actually voted for him had he been the Republican candidate to run against Kerry. I know this may shock many of my liberal friends, but I had always felt that McCain, while on paper was conservative, could appease some of the petty bi-partisan bickering in this nation. But then he was accused of betraying his party and then, well, he became a politician that I didn't care too much for. Anyhoo, watching his speech, it seemed that the man who at heart was the moderate conservative had come back. I found the admiration I had for him 4 years ago come back and I don't think he could have been more gracious. Hopefully in my future, when I suffer any loses or failures, I pray that I can be as gracious as him. 

• George W. Bush ... heh ... well, I find that the most interesting thing about him right now is the fact that he is the topic of a movie: W. directed by Oliver Stone.

Noel and I saw this movie a little over a week ago. This movie is actually intended to be a serious documentary. However, it's hard to keep a straight face because "Bush-isms" (i.e. "misunderestimate" or "I am the decider!") go hand-in-hand with the character of George W. Bush. I actually enjoyed this film. I think the most interesting thing is that if you can manage to pull yourself away from thinking about the current state of this nation and just look at the man, you actually feel sorry for him. W. isn't a bad guy. All he wanted was to live up to the Bush name and make his father proud of him. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready for the job and screwed his brother, Jeb over for any chance of the Presidency. Whoops! The one thing I didn't enjoy about this film was the director of photography. I don't get this "new" trend. All films do not need to be turned into the Blair Witch Project!!!!!! I did not pay $12 (yes, it's $12 now to see a movie, which is retarded!!!) to sit in a dark room, with my eyes shut, to listen to a movie. I don't know why directors/cameramen think it's a great idea to consistently move the camera. Maybe it's an artistic choice and they want the viewer to see what it's like from the character's point of view? Especially when the character is running??? Newsflash: I know what the world looks like while running and it doesn't shake as badly as it does on film!!! So cut it out!!!! So would I recommend this film? Yes, unless you know you have bad motion sickness. Then I would recommend that you take a dose of Dramamine, or go see the film with a bucket to catch any stray drops of vomit that might floating around.

Hmmm ... now off to try to go to sleep, again. Guess I'll try to sleep through what ever is left of the night. Being that it's now Nov. 5th, I only have 55 more days until I move!!!! Damn ... someone wake me up when it's Thanksgiving.

Update: Prop 8 passed. I'm upset about that. I guess one step at a time - at least we got Obama. There has got to be some way to be able to give gays the same rights as heterosexual couples. Damn you, religion and state!!!!

Racism/Racists Are Confusing ...

I've become a fan of the show Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TLC. It's a family oriented reality show based on this Philadelphia family who, through fertility treatments, had a set of twins and then a set of sextuplets. Jon and Kate are, obviously, the parents. Jon is half Korean and half white. Kate is white.

Since I don't have a tv out here in NYC, I've been trying to follow the show via clips posted on youtube by TLC. I try to not read the comments people leave on youtube because it seems to be a mecca of negativity and ignorance. But it's like a magnet ... sometimes you can't help yourself! What puzzles me are the people who are racist. For example, someone left a comment that said:

"[The kids] need to act asian, not white. And anyone that thinks Jon is hot is on some serious crack&meth. :]"

Someone responded with:

"This comment annoys me. How does someone act like a race?"

Which then the original poster said:

"Oh my. I'm being politically incorrect, aren't I? Sorry to throw a frog in your tea, but we all know that it's possible to imitate 'races', whether those attributes consist of stereotypes or not.
Translation: Chill out~"

I'm not particularly worked up or anything because I know this type of prejudice is simply ignorance. Especially since his/her comment doesn't make any sense - 4 year old kids don't know what stereotypes are, so how would you make them "imitate a race", if that's how one imitates a race? What I don't understand is the reaction of this bigot. To me, this person is saying:

"Score! I pissed you off! And now I want to make you sound stupid by telling you to calm down."

It's a lot of hoop-la over nothing. Makes me think of highly insecure men who drive those sports cars without mufflers because they feel the need to overcompensate for their small penises.

So new social standard: Racist = small penis

Think it'll catch on???

Update: My dad has asked me to acknowledge female racists as well. Anyone know of the female equivalent situation to the "small-penis-man" formula???