Scary Side Note

Addendum to former post: If the medication doesn't help me, I might have to go and see a specialist. Yeah, this whole experience is not proving to be fun at all.

Pain. Lots of Pain.

I have been suffering from very strong abdominal cramps for about a week now. At first I thought they were really bad menstrual cramps, but being that my period ended and the cramps continued, it seemed to rule out that possibility. These cramps are ridiculously intense. I always want to curl up in fetal position and start breathing to pass through the pain. It's really bad when I'm working because, well, when you serve tables you have to pretty much be on the go all the time. So I went to the doctor and she thinks it is pain induced by stress. I've definitely had an extremely stressful past 4 months and I will probably write more about it when my tummy isn't bothering me. My doctor has prescribed a muscle relaxant for me, but for those who've taken muscle relaxants before, they don't work unless you are actually making an effort to stay calm. Kinda difficult when working a stressful restaurant job or auditioning for something (especially when auditioning for something! Nerves are most certainly not my friends! And neither is pain!). I have so far discovered that my stomach muscles stop convulsing when I'm driving (I guess driving really relaxes me) and hot baths. Anyone got a hot water bottle I could borrow?

On the flip side, I've apparently gotten a small taste of mild labor pains. Awesome.

Most. Random. Thing. Ever.

My credit card had a fraudulent charge and the card has since been canceled. But I just received this person's purchase:

This cost $19.95. So glad I didn't make this purchase.

Hooray for free soap!

Career Therapy

Warning: Long post.

I don't actually have a manager, but I do have a manager who's helping me on a consulting basis. I'd like to nickname my sessions with her "career therapy". She's been giving me ideas on what I can do to keep some kind of momentum going while I "wait" for other people in the industry to let me in the door. One of her recommendations is to be more present and positive about being in the now, as opposed to being wistful for the future, or nostalgic for the past. She also suggests that I keep writing about my acting endeavors on this blog. So I'm going to attack one thing at a time:

1. Being more present and positive about being in the now: Career

I'm having difficulties being "positive". Things are just kinda ... well, stagnant for now. How can I be content with the present if I feel like nothing is happening??? So I figure, well maybe if I let go of the negativity that I'm holding in, it might help.

Let me correct myself: "nothing" is not exactly happening. Things are happening, I'm just relying on other people to get me from point A to point B. I know that my agent is working for me, especially since I got a random call from her the other night asking if I knew how to speak Korean. Of course, my answer was no. So yes, she's definitely submitting me and working on my behalf. I suppose we're just waiting for casting directors to want to call me in. Maybe I'm just waiting for just the right role to come my way? Who knows??? I got one big audition for pilot season and I want to have more. I'd ideally love to have 3 -5 auditions a week. That's not happening yet. What has been happening is me sending out postcards about becoming SAG eligible back in Feb and taking workshops to get exposure to various casting directors. Those two things cost money. So any extra money I have left over after paying bills have been going to postcards and workshops. Hence, I never have any money to do anything fun. I miss fun. Thus, I transition to ...

2. Being more present and positive about being in the now: Relationships and People

I had come to the realization back when I lived in NYC that I could not live my life just for my career. One of the major reasons why I moved back to Los Angeles was that my personal life was here. I had a boyfriend in CA, my parents were here, and my LA friends just seemed to be moving at a slower pace. I felt that life in New York was moving way too fast with friends getting married and having children - I wasn't ready to deal with any of that yet. Also, New York was proving to be exceedingly expensive and just working and sleeping wasn't the way I wanted to continue living. As many know, my relationship fell apart, now the friends in LA are heading towards marriage and children, and my dysfunctional mother has decided to stop talking to me (which turns out to be a blessing in disguise because I find that I have little tolerance for her anyway). Ironically, all the strong connections I had seemed to suddenly mirror my relationships in NYC. Like in NYC, I find myself finding distance between myself and a lot of my friends because of different life choices and paths. God, I miss those youthful bonds I had back when I was a teenager!

I find myself becoming more cynical about people and very wary of any new friends in my life. For example, I feel heavy every time I have to deal with a kid who is trying to pass a fake ID so that he/she can drink at my restaurant. One kid decided he was going to accuse my restaurant manager for being racist because my manager wouldn't accept his ID. I think this kid was Armenian, but he was trying to pass himself off as a Turkish citizen. My manager is a Costa Rican native. Yeah...racism. Dumb kid! Sometimes I wish I could punch people.

Lastly, my relationship with my new man. He's not really new. I've been with him for 2 years now. But I guess he's "new" because he's post-Noel. I am surprised at how much of an identity I built around my relationship with Noel. It's been a journey to build an identity without him. I guess this chapter of my life heavily incorporates the word "patience". I have to be patient with my career and I also have to be patient with my personal life. For those who I've talked to about my relationship, it's been shit storm after shit storm. I love this man more than words can say and struggling through the obstacles that we have - it just seems never ending. I don't know what will happen with us, but I know that we love each other dearly and that we're both working towards making everything work. But some times, having to be patient just sucks.

So hopefully having written about these few frustrations, I can let go of this negativity. I don't know if it will actually work, but what have I to lose, right?

Amusing Life Mishaps

I am standing on my tip toes.
Man, I'm short.