So I didn't get the part that I auditioned for this past Monday. I'm over my initial disappointment - it comes with the territory. The audition was for a role on Accidentally on Purpose starring Jenna Elfman. At least the casting director said that my work was good. So I suppose I just have to keep up the good work and find the right venue. On the plus side of this whole situation, I have an agent and manager who are actually submitting me! When I think about what I wanted last year, I remember wanting an agent who would submit me and give a damn about my career. I have that now! So hopefully this next year will mean that I'll finally land something. Baby steps!
I know I've been absent from this blog for the entire month of November. Truth be told, I was completely cranky and grumpy last month, which made me not want to write anything. Reason for the bad mood that was that there wasn't much business at Bubba Gump and I had been doing a lot of background work to make ends meet. And even then, I barely made it! I have decided to avoid doing background work for as much as I can this month. Result: I'm SOOOOO much happier! I honestly hate doing background work. It's really unpleasant for me and I think it takes a toll on my morale. I'd rather do nothing all day than do background work. So for now, I'm back!
Another reason why I've been on the quiet side is that I've been feeling somewhat panicked about life - that life has been moving WAY too fast. A lot of people my age are getting married and/or having children. I am very happy for my friends, but at the same time I realize that I am not ready for the stages of life that they're all entering. As a result of that, I feel a little left out because I don't understand married life, I'm honestly not interested in talking excessively about babies and baby toys, and I don't identify with the type of bliss that my friends are experiencing. I know that for the most part, I want those same things, but not right now. I also have been reluctant to express my anxiety about feeling left behind because I don't want my friends to think that I'm not feeling joyful for them. I am, but at the same time I'm feeling very disconnected from it. I know I will eventually get to those chapters within my own life, but in the meantime, it does put me in a little bit of a funk.
Last of all, I think it's time to publicly acknowledge that my mother has pretty much cut me off. This has been going on since Mother's Day. I believe she has completely convinced herself that I am a failure as a human being and therefore, she is a failure as a mother. I personally, don't believe any of that. Just because I chose not to be a lawyer, an accountant, or a doctor doesn't mean I'm a failure, and I don't believe that she's a failure as a mother. I'm a functioning human being within modern society. These are her issues and because of her own demons, she can't deal with me. For the most part I'm fine with this decision because quite frankly, not having her in my life eliminates a lot of problems, anxiety, and tense moments. But I tend to notice her absence around the holidays. It's not so much that I miss her, but it's more so that I miss the warmth of my childhood home and the ability to go home. I also feel bad for my dad because I know that he would like both of us to be together for the holidays. *shrugs* I haven't closed the door to communication. She has. So from my perspective things may change, things may not. Either way, I'm okay. I can function and my life will continue moving forward in a positive direction, with or without her.
I've also noticed that I don't post very many pictures. So instead of ending this post with that somber note about my mother, I will leave a picture of my friend, Mahon:
Mental note: I need to start taking more pictures to post up here.
