Odd How the Mind Works

The crazy thing about an eating disorder is that it's pretty much a psychological disorder - it's all in the head. I'm fine now. Thank goodness I bought a pair of leggings because I put them on and noticed that I didn't have a "muffin top" with them on. That's how I realized that my body is actually still the same. It's amazing how I took my eyes off the mirror in that moment, then looked back and I suddenly was no longer "fat". 

I'm okay ... for now. 

Being Uncomfortable

I'm physically and mentally uncomfortable. I think being back in Los Angeles has definitely been a positive decision because I'm close to my parents and Noel. So I have people to see and talk to regularly. But at the same time, I just don't feel like I've found any respite from life.

I have started myself on birth control again, being that I'm now in the dating world and I have no idea what situation I might find myself in. So I thought I'd take this precaution because I really have no interest in having a baby at the moment. But at the same time I think my body is reacting to it. I'm definitely a bit more bloated than usual, which is triggering off my eating disorder and sending me into a panic about weight gain. I currently am not signed up with a gym because I don't have the money. So without that, the psychological part of my anorexia is not evening out. I'd go for a run but I'm feeling so exhausted, which is just a symptom of menstruation, period (no pun intended). 

On top of that, I am bored out of my mind. I know that the economy is bad so it's not a huge surprise that I haven't landed a job yet. I'm actively sending out resumes and I started auditioning again last week. Essentially I just have a lot of free time on my hands, which means that my mind is running rampant. It is my worst enemy right now and I'm driving myself insane.

I kinda wish I had a dog right now. The animal would at least give me something to do. 

I don't know if it's just me, but I really don't like watching TV these days. Maybe it's me coming off of 3 years of not physically owning a TV, but I really don't have much patience to sit in front of it. I find I'd rather be on the internet looking for pointless dribble.

Sometimes I wish there was something like Adderall for the brain or something. I'm going nuts! Although I will say, I'd probably be in a worse frame of mind if I were in NYC by myself.

Life Back on the West Coast

My friend, Carissa asked me today if I was happy about being back in Los Angeles. Uh ... do we need to ask??? How could you not be happy when you're driving home and you get to see this from your car window?

Okay, well I didn't see this exact view from my car, but definitely something similar!

You, too would be able to take photos like these if your parents' house was on a hill!

Suffice it to say, I'm definitely coming down from the high of "I'M BACK IN LA!!!!" syndrome. It is interesting to note that I'm still experiencing many of the same symptoms that I felt while in NY - although I was warned that just because I changed my location all my demons wouldn't go away. So it's not a total surprise that I'm starting to be obsessive - again. I did say that I was going to try to give that up this year, right? Lol! It's proving to be difficult because I'm just so ready to start working. I'm currently job hunting but for the most part, I'm bored outta my mind! So a lot of free time = time for Simmone's mind to start obsessing. It'd be a lot easier if I had money to buy things to furnish my new apartment. I've decided that my apartment is just going to be my ongoing pet project. I'm slowly starting to envision what I'd like the interior design to look like. I guess the plus side of living in an NYC apartment is that you don't really have much furniture because there isn't really much room for furniture in the first place. So essentially, my current apartment, which is almost 3x's larger than my Manhattan apartment, and significantly cheaper in rent, is a little empty. But I guess it's a vicious circle:

• Bored out of my mind --> I'll furnish my apartment! --> Need money --> Need job --> Job hunt --> Wait for response from employers --> Bored out of my mind.

Goal for tomorrow: Get a Ross Report so I can start mailing in headshots = something to do.

Note taken.

And of course, who could've missed Barak Obama's inauguration??? Well, I'm not going to say much about it, since everything that could have been said has been said. But I will say, can we look at the expression on the man's face when he looks at his wife??? Hopefully some day a man will look at me like that. *cue a simultaneous Awwwwww!* Yeah, yeah ... the die-hard romantic in Simmone and all that crap ... shaddup!!!

I'm Still Alive!!!

Hi hi hi hi hi!

Yes, I've been MIA lately, due mostly to getting settled back in my hometown. I will have pictures of my new apartment soon!!! Mostly now, my days are spent unpacking and submitting my resume for jobs. I'm praying that things will pick up in the acting department and that SAG won't go on strike. If they do, at least I can pursue what ever theater they have out here and try to get my Equity card. I have a hypothesis that it'll be easier to get my Equity card out here because there are less actors competing for roles in theater, as opposed to New York which is primarily a theater town.

Basically, I've decided that for the year 2009, I'm going to let life happen to me. For the past two years, I've been obsessing about my career and quite frankly, I'm just exhausted. If I've learned anything from the past year, I need to enjoy my personal life and just live. The good part is, I'm in LA now and I have a car!!!! I'm no longer stranded by stupid public transportation!!! I can go places!!! I can go to places where I can have fun!!!!! I know that the acting thing will happen eventually, but spending my time with friends and family - those are times I will never get back. And you know what else is also amazing??? The landscape is spread out so I feel like I can breathe!!!! So yes, this has been a moment of "Simmone Growing Up". Thanks for tuning into the program.

By the way, my mom was totally lashing out at Canadians earlier today, which I thought was funny. And no, there really wasn't anything that provoked her mini-rant. She just randomly started going off on the Canadians. I can't really remember what she had said ... something about Canadians being artificial Americans. Hahaha!

Note of the Day

Dear Mom,

Please don't say, "Look! It's the Asian Invasion!" out loud in a room full of Asians. I can't take you anywhere in public ... *sigh*