Fed Up!

I'm still dealing with the effects of stress. I'm not currently experiencing any pain, but I am dealing with weight gain. The reason why I know that the weight gain is due directly to the stress I've been under, is that the weight specifically covers my abdominal area. My arms, legs, face, chest - they're all the same as before. In fact, my bones, like my ribs, are still visible, which seems to signify to me that I'm still skinny. I am so confused as to how I should feel. I'm not fat, not fat at all, but I'm not skinny either because of the fat that's padding up in my abdominal area. The scientific explanation for the weight gain is the production of the hormone, cortisol. It's the stress hormone - supposed to promote survival in times of peril. It can alter a person's metabolism and it makes a person crave sweets, junk food, and alcohol. I've definitely been craving all of that. I've been fighting my cravings with every ounce of will power I have but at the end of the day I can't help but give in. I've started working out/doing pilates to get my brain to increase the production of sertotonin and dopamine, two hormones that suppress stress and depression. Pilates so far, have proven to be amazing! I'm actually starting to see stomach definition, but at the same time, the fat in my abdominal area isn't going away. This is truly a strange experience and I don't know how to feel! My mind is screaming because my own conception of my body image is so warped! The anorexic disorder that I tend to quietly deal with wants to stop eating, but the food craving is unbearable. This whole ordeal is ironically so stressful in itself!

So the question is, what is stressing me out, aside from stress itself? The answer: my whole life. I'm fed up! I'm fed up with waiting tables and dealing with stupid people. I'm fed up with having to work my fingers to the bone and can't afford to take any time off. I'm fed up with people whom I know that I'm smarter than and have a better college degree than, talk to me like I'm stupid! I suddenly looked around the other day at work and realized, I don't belong here. No offense to any of my co-workers, but I realized, I'm smarter than most of them (note, I did not say street smart. Rather more of the intelligence, academia type of smart.) and that I was bred to be the top of everything that I do (reference to my "tiger mom"). I just don't belong at BJ's. I don't belong in a restaurant at all! I'm fed up with working so hard for an acting career where every milestone I reach, I find 10 more walls I have to climb over. I'm annoyed to see acquaintances of mine working and I'm pissed off at friends who constantly tell me these people are working, and then insensitively insist that I be happy for them! I am happy for my acquaintances, but what about any sensitivity for my feelings? I'm struggling to do what they're doing and you expect me to be happy and not feel any form of jealously or bitterness??? Come on!!! I'm fed up with friends who just don't have their lives together and invest their energy in stupid, trivial situations and then just talk and talk and talk and talk about it because they've forgotten that I'm not really in the state of mind to handle this drama and be supportive! I hate the fact that they are so self involved that they forget that I need their support right now and that I need them to just stay calm around me right now. For God sakes, please!!! I'm fed up! I'm fed up with having to care about other people and be sensitive to their needs! This needs to be a ME time!!! And quite honestly, I think I'm going to take a stand and refuse to be apologetic for being selfish right now!!!

NOTE: This is not an announcement that I'm quitting acting. I'm still pursuing it. I just don't know how to make this journey any easier on my system.